Another Wade Hamilton Report Unearthed

In the early days of this millennium, I performed an occasional radio bit in which I played celebrity reporter Wade Hamilton.  And now, with the limitless space afforded me on the world wide web, I can present the actual scripts I used in these three-minute segments.  I give you Wade:

-------------------------------

January 9, 2000
Wade Hamilton:  Hobnobbing With Celebs

Hello, fellow Star-Gazers!  I'm Wade Hamilton, and you're not going to BELIEVE the incredible celeb scoops I've got in store for you!  Let's dive right in, shall we?

Here's an exclusive, folks.  With the success of Jim Carrey's stunning portrayal of Andy Kaufman in Man on the Moon, studios are clamoring for biopics of marginally popular comedians!  The big one coming up:  Joel Schumacher is currently directing Tom Hanks's uncanny portrayal of late-80s-to-early-90s comedy circuit mainstay Barry Sobel.  Everyone involved in the project has expressed amazement at how Tom Hanks has BECOME Barry Sobel.  Joel Schumacher told me that how Tom has taped into the mystery that is Barry Sobel is an almost spiritual thing -- Tom even shows up on the set wearing Barry's trademark knit ski hat.  One complication that the Man on the Moon makers didn't have to deal with -- Barry Sobel is still very much alive and only just learned about the project.  He is hopping mad that he wasn't even considered for the part.

In an exclusive interview, he asked me, "Who can do my famoust Buck Jackson's Mother is Dead better than me?  Sorry Barr.  I hear you, but frankly I'd rather watch Tom Hanks become you than watch you.  That's Show Biz.

It's now time for a Wade Hamilton Timeline Quiz.
Smooth, by Santana and featuring Rob Thomas, was the video playing on VH-1, Ricky martin ordered the Mussels in a tomato broth with garlic, parsely and shallots, Tobey McGuire noticed that the milk in his fridge expires tomorrow, Tim Russert asked a smarmy question with a smirk on CNBC, and I had a fleeting sexual thought about Salma Hayek.  Was it:
5 minutes ago,
4 minutes ago,
2 minutes ago,
or 30 seconds ago?
The answer and the end of the report.

I don't have much to say about Jennifer Lopez's and Puff Daddy's run in with the law -- except that if you can't be present at a nightclub shooting and then escape with in an S.U.V. with an unregistered gun, then what good is being a celebrity -- But I do have something to say about Jennifer Lopez's famed insurance policy.  Don't laugh -- I took out a $10,000 policy on my own butt in '84, and I was able to cash it in in '95 when it started to sag.  Best move I ever made, and I've got the Honda Accord to prove it.

Memo to Fox:  I don't want to say that this will guarantee a good review, but let's just say that if I get sent out to Maui next week for the junket promoting Leonardo DiCaprio's latest flick I'll be very grateful.  The name of the new movie -- well, I don't know... yet!  But I'm willing to be educated on the matter.  I will say that the word SO FAR is that come April 2001, Leo had better dust off a spot on his mantle for a certain gold statuette of a certain guy holding a certain sword whose name happens to have a certain pronunciation that is OSCAR!

Now for the answer to the Wade Hamilton Timeline Quiz.
Santana blended his steamy latin guitar riffs with Rob Thomas's smokey Anglo-Saxon vocal stylings on VH-1, Ricky Martin went with the seafood, Tobey McGuire had a temporal dairy moment, Tim Russert became part of the story on basic cable, and I had an intruding notion about Salma Hayek while waiting to start this report.  It all happened...  four minutes ago.

That's it for this week, fans.  Until next time, With a nose for news and a face for radio, I'm Wade Hamilton saying, What good is the ground when you can reach for the stars?