New York- Stock Markets around the world
soared as the 2009 Close To Home calendar
hit bookstores. Frenzied fans began snatching calendars off the shelves resulting in first day
sales of over 79 million units. The influx of retail dollars caused consumer spending to spread
and markets responded with double digit rises.
In Tokyo, the Nikei rose 12% as traders snatched up bargain stocks. Cheering erupted on Wall Street as the Dow jumped a whopping
18%. Said one trader "God bless that damn
calendar! Wooooo!!" Elsewhere, housing values rose steadily on word of the market increases and gas prices plummeted as people worldwide have begun to spend less time driving and more time reading the Close To Home calendar. Earl Clondman, a bull inseminator
from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, had this to say:
"This here calendar is too dang entertainin'! I ain't gonna leave my house fer three years!"
On of the big selling points of the calendar is the addition of one more day per week. Author John McPherson, knowing how busy peoples' lives are these days, decided to add a new day, called Lufaday, which falls between Satruday and Sunday. This unique move has resulted in three-day weekends
each week, giving workers everywhere much needed additional time off. Said Murkay Yorfashi of
Buchaka, Mendrovia: "Now I will be able to scrub my ox!!"
The calendar is expected to sell over 12 Billion copies by late December, putting it far ahead of last year's big seller, "365 Earwax Sculptures." To purchase a copy of the much coveted calendar,
visit any huge bookstore near you, any small bookstores that have cats in them and friendly clerks, any super, mega-huge online bookstores that are named after dangerous jungle areas, or your local proctologist's office.
