DEAR JOHN |

DEAR JOHN
Name: LT G
Posting date: 2/12/08
Stationed in: Iraq
Hometown: Reno, NV
Milblog: Kaboom: A Soldier's War Journal

The first of my guys received a Dear John letter the other day. (Well, to be completely accurate, it was a Myspace message. Whatever. Same concept, new century.) While I'm not surprised it happened, I am a bit perturbed that it happened in the first freakin' month of our deployment. Who knows how many more Dear Johns await the Gravediggers. Here's hoping that my illustrious and beautiful girlfriend, City Girl, at least has the decency to Facebook my Dear John letter -- a Facebook message is way more classy than a Myspace message. (I kid, I kid ... not about Facebook being more classy, though.)

Anyways, if you're unfamiliar with the contents of a Dear John letter, or are interested in penning one yourself, I've gone ahead and drawn up a template. All you have to do is fill in the specifics. You are more than welcome. Remember, I'm here to serve you. And yes, I'm aware that my writing can occasionally slip into the anachronistic and mysogynistic. Sometimes such is fair, sometimes not. This definitely falls into the former category, given the situation that sparked this post.

Dear (insert rank and name here):

Hi. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve gotten all your letters...it’s just hard, you know? With you in (insert foreign nation here) fighting in (insert war from American history here), it’s not like things back home have been easy. Or simple. I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to tell you like it is:

I’ve met someone else. His name is Jody. I swear to God, I wasn’t looking for anything like this to happen -- it just did and now we’re in love.

I know you have to hate me. I promised that this would never happen to us, but it did. Life’s funny like that, isn’t it? While you’re half a world away, getting shot at for a living by (insert enemy here), protecting freedom, justice, and the American way of life, I’m discovering my inner concubine, getting penetrated by Jody’s inferior geothermal thunderstick on a nightly basis. But he’s a far better cuddler than you ever were, he flatters me every morning, and he communicates with me! Imagine that, you insensitive prick.

What else needs to be said? You’re probably going to go crazy now, so you should recommend to your C.O. that he take away your weapon for a couple of days. Suck it up, tough guy -- remember, like you always told your friends, you can’t make a ho a housewife.

From your former dream forsaking you to a lifetime of what-ifs,

(insert every horribly negative term for a female here)

P.S. I’m keeping the dog.

Comments

[Seamus Reason]

Good stuff soldier.

[Richard]

You write this stuff like it's your creation. It's not. Did you daddy or your uncles ever tell you this one, "Absence makes the heart go wander."?

Oh, yeah, and the dog? Probably liked her better anyhow. If it helps, this (insert politically FUBARED activity here) is just todays menu in a long, long list of (insert politically motivated platitudes here -- translates to sh*t) that military people have to endure.

But, hey, thanks for the stroll down memory lane.

[Dan Heckstetter]

Why does it always have to be JODY ? As in basic training before VietNam, 1,2,3,4, "JODY's got your girl & gone".
I had to laugh, some things never change.

[Mitch]

Those Bi-aches! They weren't worthy anyway. Good riddence. I say.

[Amanda]

Well said but please don't confuse the good with the bad. The girls that stand by their soldiers might be sick of all the Jody references. Really. It's my one gripe.

[J. Bartos]

Ha-ha! Okay...here's my one and only ho story. Yesterday I was watching my 5yo nephew, Alec. I was telling him about my hoe accident, having stepped on an poorly placed gardening implement the previous week, wacking myself in the head. He stared at me blankly and then asked, "Whose hoe was it?"
"Uncle Mike's." I replied.

I didn't think much more about it until I thought about him later at home telling his mom and dad: "Aunt Joan got hit ihe head last week by Uncle Mike's hoe!"

[Aishah]

hehehehe I see you soldiers didnt lose your sense of humor yet! :-P

[Alitax]

Funny, I was Dear John'ed by an American soldier...when I went to school in Paris for five months, he conveniently stopped calling after six weeks. Except he didn't have the decency to tell me that he wasn't KIA/MIA/AWOL from training; nope, I found out two weeks before returning that dear Jon was engaged to some local single Britney lookalike, complete with child.

Fancy it happened via Myspace.

But there you go: soldiers are equally capable of f'ing over their loving women, when an ocean inconveniences them.