Close to Home

Albany Times Union

Last week the Albany TImes Union dropped Close To Home.  Getting dropped always sucks, but it is part of the game. I have had some papers drop me and pick me up three times.  But, I was particularly upset with losing the TU because I am from the area.  I responded to the loss in typical fashion, though.  I went to the basement and lay face down on the floor screaming.  No, not really.  The basement floor is concrete so I lay on the living room floor.  My kids were very impressed.

At any rate, if any of you who live in the upstate NY area are so inclined, you could do me a big favor by picketing outside the Albany Times Union offices or perhaps stage a sit in or go on some sort of fast until the come to their senses. Or you can join me kicking and screaming on my living room floor. 

A Date I Once Went On

A few years ago I went on a date, one of those computer-type dates where you and a total stranger exchange distorted information about yourselves and then meet for coffee or drinks or a monster truck rally.  In this case, the woman and I met for drinks.  

Right off the bat I sensed trouble, when, as I arrived I spotted her at the bar (a very tall, attractive blonde), surrounded by three or four smarmy-looking guys.  She came over to the table where I was, and excitedly told me that she had just been asked out by three different guys.  I cleverly responded  "ummm".

We ordered some wine and got going on the usual kinds of chit chat that happens on these dates.  Where did you grow up, tell me more about your job, how come that big mole on your face wasn't in any of your photos...She then said "So, you are a cartoonist?  Like, um, what do you mean?"  I explained that I am a syndicated cartoonist, and that my cartoons appear in papers around the world (I hoped I didn't come across as boastful)  "You mean, you, can, like, earn money that way?  I still don't get what you do."  I told her that I do cartoon for the COMIC PAGES, you know, like Garfield or Peanuts.  This got her excited.  "YOU are the guy who does PEANUTS?!!"  I sighed no, my cartoon is called Close To Home.  "Hmmm, how come you always have that one girl call the other girl 'sir'? " "I DON"T DRAW PEANUTS!" I said.  "That is Charles Schulz."   I asked for more wine.  She looked puzzled.  "He's that money guy, right?"  "No, you're thinking of Charles Schwab."  "Oh." she said.  "Whenever I hear his name it makes me think of Q-tips.  You know, Q-tips swabs?"  "Uh, yeah." I said, wondering if the window in the men's room was big enough to crawl out of.

We moved on to other topics of conversation.  She told me about her ex-husband's raging jealousy and manslaughter charges, the time she jumped on stage at an Iron Maiden concert, how more guys at the bar were checking her out.  

Then she sighed with a big smile on her face and said "I STILL can't believe I'm hear having wine with the guys who does Peanuts!"  (honestly, this really happened.)  The conversation became considerably more droll from there until she leaned forward and said "Ya know, you seem like a very nice guy, but I don't find you attractive in the LEAST!"  There was an awkward silence, for about ten minutes. I wasn't sure what to say to that.  Then her phone rang.  "Who?  Dave?  Dave who? Oh, yeah, I remember.  Sure! I could meet you there!  I'll be there in 5 minutes."  She turned to me and said "Gotta run!"  And off she went, probably to tell Dave about her date with Charles Schulz.  (THIS part really happened too.)

I sat in the classy wine bar, alone with my wine, feeling like a kid who was eating alone in the cafeteria.  So I skulked away into the night, and laughed quietly to myself, thankful that at least I didn't have to crawl out the bathroom window.

ATTENTION SMALL HUMANS!!!

OK, kids  (ie, anyone under 35).  Here is a way that you can convince your friends that you are psychic.

Send an e-mail to me at closetohome@mac.com.  I will then tell you what one of my cartoons will be about in the next few weeks (since I work about 2 weeks out).  Then tell one of your friends that you have an intuition about what the theme of the CTH cartoon on thus-and-such-a-date will be.  When you turn out to be correct your friends will herald you as an amazing psychic phenomenon with certain links to the spirit world.

Some of your friends will faint, possibly striking their heads on something, so be careful about this.  Other friends may be so astounded that they may begin to droll uncontrollably.  This can be very fun to watch, at least from a distance.  At any rate, I think it's something you can have some fun with, especially the drooling part.

So, get those re-mails into me and I while provide you with the secret information!

Psychically yours, 

John Mc